Less Negative

So summer is quickly approaching (or is it already here?).
Goals for the summer:

• practice correctly with an awesome routine
• pass classes
• read
• work out
• sleep
• video games
• friends
• contentment
• floss
• make money (lessons/work)
  

Ayup. Let's see how many goals I achieve. :-D
~Fave

Who doesn't like to complain? Or maybe it's a defense mechanism for us to let off some steam. I'm always impressed by people who can handle themselves well. They have the ability to work through problems themselves without others to help them. Granted I do acknowledge that some problems are too big for one person to handle and that I'm mainly impressed by people who don't complain when they're stressed, frustrated, or emotional.
I'm not one of those people. :-D
I like to bitch about things that are little annoying things. I think annoying is too strong of a word to use but I can't think of the best word right now. It helps to let out a little complaint about life when it tightens the clamp around you. Not too much venting because you'll just see the negative in everything and not too little because you'll just explode over the last straw (and probably negatively affect your surroundings). Everything in moderation, right?
So when I 'write' in xanga, freeopendiary, or now here, it's just a way to let out what I'm thinking. I guess writing in these silly little blogs are for the times when I need to wander the paths my brain is feeling to find out how I really feel about things. It's like always reassessing yourself...? burgundy? I dunno. Also I write because I'm too shy to talk to someone about this stuff. Hell, I can't even write most of what I'm thinking down (but that's probably for the better since once something is in cyberspace it's basically public property).
There are just those times when I feel squished by life and writing these silly emo blogs help me release these frustrations/emotions/stresses so I can acknowledge them but actually be able to take them in stride as well. Maybe this blog will be helpful. Not many know about this, and those that do I don't have to sugarcoat feelings or try to prove I'm not suicidal/depressed/etc. because they know that I'm not like that. Everything comes in cycles and when the cycle brings the shitty stuff back around that's when I feel the need to write online.
Man I hope this blog doesn't turn into one of those needy emo bitchy blogs. That would just piss me off. But, there are times when I do need to be a little emo just to accept the fact that I do have those feelings are there to help move past them.
Sometimes it just hurts too much. It's annoying and it gets a little much sometimes. Being gay sucks. I want that friendship-turned-relationship so badly and I hate how many times I've seen it in my straight friends. What does it bring me? Regrets, unrequited love, awkward stories/mornings, and a lot of crying. And the loss of those friends, let's not forget that.
I can't stand when people hate me or think terrible things of me. I looked at pictures from a party in Kville with people whom I love being around as well as a) ex bf who cheated on me with b) last chair violin boy who would just be a stupid twat and c) the friend I fell in love with, almost had, broke my heart over, and who thinks I went down on him without his asking during our last night in town which we both don't really remember. I just kept thinking what if my name was brought up (narcississtic but hey, it could happen), would they have a bash on Eric conversation or would they say something civil while holding their tongues or would they actually come up with something nice to say?
I want to reconcile with Gary (funny how seven months later he's in my blog again) but what the hell do I say? Congrats on graduating, sorry I asked more from your friendship than you could actually give me, have a nice life? Hell, I think I already sent that message a month after our last 'fling'. I'd just be redundant and obviously be sending the message, "I'm not really over you and I want you to still like me." Or rather, more the latter than the former. I wanted to ask Jen what she would think but she's burned part of our friendship away when she dated Gary and, without meaning to harm me, got the very thing I wanted from him for almost a year, a fucking relationship. I lost a lot of anger when I found out they broke up, that was nice. I should ask Jamie what to do. She's assertive enough and knows all of the story to tell me to just leave it be. If we reconcile it'll be years down the road if I ever see him again.
I guess it's just been on my mind because in two weeks he'll not be in kville anymore, it'll also basically be the end of kville as a 'home' like place to go back to because everyone (not just him) will be graduating. It won't be the end, I know, but it'll be a significant blow. I feel like it's my last chance to fix it. It's that feeling you get when you want to do something but you don't think you can/don't want to try/etc. and you let the moment pass you by. Ah, yes, that's how a regret is born. Well, one way at least. That's what it feels like. That after this month he'll be gone out of my life forever and he'll still dislike me. He'll just be another one to add to the list of boys to avoid in my life. Hell, he defriended me on facebook. He cut me out of his life after I stopped talking to him for half a year.
I guess I'm just a broken record, but it's good that I don't think about him every day. God, it's like breaking up without the benefits of an actual relationship (i.e. sex/kissing).
Oh well, I guess that's enough of me rambling and being emo. I'm sorry to whoever actually reads this. Hopefully most everyone is smart enough not too.
~Fave

I'm officially Uncle Fave!!!

Jackson Daniel Bowling came in at 10:23 a.m. September 18, 2008 at 10 lbs. 3 oz. He's a big 'un!

Grad school is demanding!

Friends are great to have!

I got closure from Gary (with a little info on the side from Jen)! I never have to see him again!

I'm so glad I'm not stuck in Kirksville anymore!
BUT
I miss my Kirksville friends that I really do miss. Furr realzzz!

I saw Josh Bell solo with the top student orchestra conducted by Leonard Slatkin Wednesday night!

:-D
<3
~Uncle Fave

venting

I like this 'hidden' blog. It's like my secret communication source to Jess and a place for me to make my thoughts 'public' without allowing plenty of people I never need seeing me whine/pine/mull over or about my personal thoughts and feelings. Of course, people could and might find it, but there's no point in worrying about that now. But isn't that the point of the diary? I know I'm a very extroverted person, or rather, I like people to want to know what I'm thinking. Perhaps that's a human quality; seeing as how we're social creatures, we feel the need to share ourselves with others. What better way to share yourself than through your thoughts and ideas. [That could be taken in a horribly sexual avenue of thought that I'm just going to ignore]
I like stumbling upon journals or diaries from my past to remind me how I thought, wrote, and whined about past events. It shows me how I have and have not changed. Each one is like a little fave historical reference book. They bring insight and remind me of lessons that I've forgotten or that recur all too often.
Why not write about a few lessons I have and have not learned. It allows me a sufficient amount of writing to vent out my feelings at the moment without either wasting someone's time by boring them with my own personal discoveries or allowing people who I would prefer to stay out of my business a look inside. And there's that return to the need to share. It's weird how sharing my personal frustrations or doubts to an electronic void can make me feel better without actual human contact. Although when I release something into the web I tend to do so before, during, or after I share the same feelings with someone else. Well, usually. Some things I type up and yet still keep them private, but the act of sending them out into the web for the chance of discovery make me feel better. Again, human nature and the idea that I'm not alone with a secret burdening me because I can't feel that I can share it to anyone.
I've never been good with secrets because I hate holding back or being afraid to open up to people. Secrets usually tend to build trust with others and perhaps my ability to reveal so much about myself is why I tend to easily build friendships. Of course secrets aren't really secrets anymore when they become common knowledge. Also, more aversion to introversion [heh] comes from, I'm guessing, too many times when holding back was the wrong thing to do, or didn't allow me an opportunity that, when looking back, was ridiculous to hold back from. I'm just thinking of outings with friends I was too afraid to go on as main examples. It's funny that these last few days I've mainly been in my apartment. I hadn't left it since my mother left until the at&t guy showed up and the maintenance men came and fixed my kitchen sink. Furthermore, I didn't actually drive away until I went to the mall today. I blamed it on the fact that I didn't have a map or internet to find my way around, but I think it's really based in my fear.
I'm not the type of person who adapts to change easily, but I know that it's a part of life and I accept it even if I don't like it. I know that this change in my life will (hopefully) lead me to become a better flutist as well as open my eyes to a different part of the world, show me what living in a larger town is like as a student and will bring me a step further to becoming a college professor or professional flutist. I know that through all of this change I will use it to shape my life for the better (as best I can) and will make friends that I'll cherish (if I don't, I'll be pretty disappointed with Bloomington) for the rest of my life, just like I did in Columbia and in Kirksville.
That doesn't mean I'm scared. I'm terrified of this larger town with a humongous university that I am not comfortable with its workings. I am too scared of parking and losing my car that I haven't gone to the practice building yet to see if I can practice. I'm scared of driving in this town because I don't know the roadways and the ones I do make me nervous. Heh, I want to in with the new crowd, or rather town. Oh well, I bought some tennis shoes to walk to the practice room in case I'm too scared to drive and I'm going to actually see the few people I know here soon so that I can grill them with questions of what I can and can't do or go explore with them right there with me. I keep denying the reality of Indiana in my mind (even though I'm actually here) by hiding in my apartment and not facing all the studying that I should do before my entrance exams. I have four days left. I'm a fool.
I don't have a steady recollection of music history to probably pass both the early and late music history exams. I'm banking on my theory skills and furiously skimming through my old theory books to help with the written theory. Fuck aural skills. I can try again with the sightsinging if I'm not good enough and piano will just be piano. I realized the other day that I might not make it into an orchestra (4 full orchestra, 1 chamber, and 1 baroque) and that I haven't even asked about band music to use as a back up. So if I fail at orchestra, I'll not be at my best with a band audition and waste a good opportunity to prove myself and be in a higher ensemble. All in all, I'm worried that by being me and procrastinating, that I'll be me and frantically throw myself together at the last minute and not show myself at my best. And thus, by either failing or by being mediocre, push myself harder over the year to prove myself better in the next year. It's like a cycle of sorts and it's stupid.
I need to do more than just by shoes in order to deal with my fear. I need to face it and work my ass off these next four days and the following week to embrace what I earned from four years of kicking my ass at Truman.
Accept faults and work with them. It's a lesson I've learned and still cope with.
Now, if I befriend and fall in love with a straight guy again, I fear that I'll be violent on someone or something. Most likely something. I just take a baseball bat to a tree or concrete wall or something. Sanity will be needed to cope with grad school.
I think I've rambled on enough and if you actually read all of that Jess, damn. You must be bored. :-P
Let's see if the guilt has overcome the laziness and I'll stop procrastinating for my entrance exams.
ciao
~Fave

So it's been a while.
I didn't perform with that one orchestra. It was good because I didn't have to worry over a conundrum. Two Jennifers came to visit me while my parents were gone and I got to hang out with them (instead of being a bad host and perform).
Hey, good news. Remember how I tried to move my iTunes music to my external hard drive, it ate itself, I updated it, ended up deleting a lot of songs and a third of my library not playing? I fixed it! Huzzah! The songs were just hiding and iTunes wasn't smart enough to find them on its own, so I helped. :-D
Packing is consuming my life. I've been thinking logistics all day today while I raided the kitchen, packed just about everything except for my clothes, computer, and the 'necessities'. [I've always liked English grammar better than American for that rule alone.] All that kitchenware is boxed up in the living room and I'm starting a nice little pile of stuff that's slowly encroaching on usable space in the living room. Today, the living room. Tomorrow, the world! Eh...or not.
Man do I need to study/review all that theory and history before those entrance exams. Definitely not where I was hoping to be on that history review (I'm hoping on my good theory skills and only reviewing the 10 days after I move in before orientation week). Chapter 5 of 35 is never good when you've got a little over three weeks. Well, I always work better under pressure...or maybe that's just work under pressure. Hmm...oh well. At least I've been practicing more than not at all.
Hehe. Today I got Jess and Bryan an apartment warming gift that I think they'll appreciate...'twas fun playing on eBay for the first time.
Oh, I've been reading Catcher in the Rye and I just can't seem to get into it. All I know about the book is that [from hearsay] typically the book is found in the homes of snipers, serial killers, etc. worn from repeated readings. So I know it'll be in a different frame of mind, which I found out from the first few chapters. I keep reading and while I feel like I'm delving into the off-kilter mind of a sociopath, I'm also bored off my ass. Of course reading about a misfit guy taking a few days off before telling his 'rents he got kicked out of another boarding school doing regular guy stuff (with no exact plot line visible), only looking at everything differently, would be a little droll. Occasionally a few interesting things will happen where we are presented a weird situation (i.e. getting roughed up by Sunny's 'pimp') and see what Holden will do. I'm sure someone could point out that reading about a person who's bored with the world would be mildly boring, but that's what Salinger wanted to portray. Although it is interesting to see parallels in Holden's thinking and how it might pop up in my own or in what I've seen of others' thinking (based on their actions/words). Oh well, I read all of Atlas Shrugged and that was over a thousand pages! I think I'll handle a few hundred pages, maybe I'm going toward an inevitable event that I just can't see yet.
And that's a good enough post for today. Yay friends coming and I cannot wait to see Jess and Bryan, Carol and Matt, and go to the Flute Convention! :-D
Sincerely,
~Fave

It's mid-July. Big ol' "Oops!" on the summer goals list. At least I've crossed a few things off that list. Also, I've gathered a few surprises along the way.
Take for instance the random act of kindness my neighbor did for me a couple of days ago. Well, multiple acts. I'm lounging in bed slowly approaching that threshold to get out of bed when the phone rings, I'm still in a half-dream and then I hear my mother's footsteps quickly bound up the stairs. She tells me that the conductor of the MO Symphony is at Earl's (my neighbor) house with his wife and he wants to introduce me to them.
I get up, scrounge decent clothing, wash my face, brush my teeth, shrug at the beginnings of a mad scientist's 'fro going on and make my way over. Earl was nice, rambled a little bit (he's 87!), and eventually I gave them my contact info, chatted for a few minutes, and then I helped them load their car with Earl's harp that they're going to restring.
Next! He took me with him to the next MO Symph. event in lieu of his lady friend where I chatted with their personal manager/asst. horn (also knows Earl and my mother) who said they'd email me if they needed a third flute part (they had trouble finding flute players apparently) and then gave me a few free tickets to upcoming events.
In sum: I might play with a prof. orchestra in a couple of weeks! Which, naturally, could throw a wrench in some plans, but I'll only deal with that if I get the gig.
Also, the second flute was a guy I played with in a masterclass last year at Northwestern. Commence singing It's a Small World. Now that, is funny.
Off to sleep and play in church in the morning. g'night moon.

Because you commented

Of course I'll continue writing on this through Grad school. I have an audience, small but so what, and also weird people from Truman I don't really ever want to see again won't be reading this. Why? The title of course.

So I'm getting new glasses in case of, "*Gasp!* Shit! [time elapse when both parties are conscious] Hey, Eric. I'm really sorry but I stepped on your glasses." "I know. Don't worry, I popped the lens back in and bent the frame back a little."
Or my favorite, *looks at socks in hand, looks at edge of bed, sits on edge of bed*
*feels and hears a muffled SNCKRINK!*
"well, fuck." *looks at glasses, sees a sheared screw* "bitch."
Because when you're about 350 miles from where you got your one and only pair of glasses, a backup could be handy.
Also, tomorrow I start teaching these two cute little Korean girls. I'm terrified. I'm going to bumble and ramble with the youngest and then hopefully not have to do much with the older. But my friend, Helen, whom I'm teaching these kids immediately after (who also gave me this gig) actually knows how to teach small children. I don't. I'm going to bring markers, my goofiness, and stickers if I can find any. Man, I hope I can teach them well enough to not make the mother decide to just stop the lessons. Oh well, I've got all day tomorrow to plan for an attack, er...lesson. :-D
I fear I might be a little to coarse for Blogspot or whatever the hell this place calls itself. But that's Uncle Fave! hehe
Damn it's late. G'night Jess and Bryan! <3 Fave